Monthly Archives: February 2015

Movies, Reviews

How to Watch: ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

fifty-shades

Step 1: Don’t break out the handcuffs and blindfolds just yet. Or do, but just know “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t really inspire you to do it.

Step 2: Keep the expectations low. By now, you probably know the basics to the “Fifty Shades” story: Naïve virgin college student Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) meets young billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), who’s handsome, charming… and has a penchant for whips, floggers and the such in the bedroom. Yeah, super hot (not). Ana falls for Christian despite her obvious reservations, and hopes that maybe she can bring out the loving man buried deep inside Christian. Good luck with that. If you’re willing to go along with the kind of unsexy S&M theme and just laugh at some of the ridiculous things Ana and Christian say to each other, then “Fifty Shades” isn’t all that cringe-worthy.

Step 3: As for said cringe-worthiness, give kudos to Dakota Johnson for making it less so. Honestly, I was afraid she was going to ruin the movie, based on the trailers, but she’s actually the one who saves it from being a total disaster. Apparently, Anastasia is particularly annoying in the book, but in the film, Johnson infuses the character with a lot of goodhearted spunk. Even though you have no idea why Ana would go for Christian’s stalker-y, painful sex ways, at least Johnson makes her character’s bad decisions seem almost understandable. Almost.

Step 4: Realize that all that fun Johnson is having just makes Dornan’s job much more difficult. Seriously, who would want to play this guy? He’s a total a buzz kill… brooding, oh-so-serious and clearly has issues. Would it hurt him to smile, crack a joke… even if it was in poor taste? The actor also has to spout some of the most atrocious dialogue. If Christian says, “That’s just the way I AM!” one time, he says it 100 times more. All of this is not Dornan’s fault; he does his best to bring some charisma to this jerk.

Step 5: Also realize that “Fifty Shades” came out of “Twilight” fan fiction. That’s right, a fan of the world of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen sat down and fantasized what it would be like if the vampire and his human girlfriend just had sex 24/7. In this case, said fan, E.L. James, skewed the “Twilight” fantasy and created the un-supernatural world of Anastasia and her Christian, who is almost as cold as a vampire. At one point, Christian warns Ana to stay away from him, with the ghost words “because I’m a vampire” just itching to follow. Dornan does, however, say one of the best lines of the movie when he describes himself as “fifty shades of fucked up.” Classic.

Step 6: Point some blame at director Sam Taylor-Johnson. She’s really only directed one other movie, the indie “Nowhere Boy,” so could be she doesn’t have enough experience. In trying to turn a soft-core porn novel into a R-rated movie, Johnson misses some of the sexiness in favor of highlighting the characters’ development. Booooring! Granted, the casting process to find Christian Grey was laborious. Trying to find the right Christian took a long time and fans of the book criticized the casting of Dornan, who was probably 20th on the list, because they felt he was not commanding enough to portray their beloved Christian. They might have been right because ultimately, Johnson and Dornan never really connect… and in a movie where the characters are supposed to be having a lot of sex, you need the chemistry. Let’s see if it shows up in the sequels (oh yes, there will be more “Shades.”)

Step 7: Forget “Fifty Shades” and rent “9 ½ Weeks” instead. The 1986 drama from director Adrian Lyne feels very similar to “Fifty Shades” but in all the right ways. It’s about two ADULTS (Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger) who find themselves in a highly sexual relationship in which the controlling rich guy manipulates the woman into engaging in some erotic sex play… and she’s completely turned on by it. Trust me, “Weeks” is what “Shades” wishes it could be.

Movies, Podcast, Reviews

How to Podcast: “Kingsman: The Secret Service” and More

kingsmen

Although “Fifty Shades of Grey” is dominating the box office as expected (see my review above), I recommend seeing “Kingsman: The Secret Service” as soon as you can. The James Bond-esque actioner is a great ride, gloriously violent, stars the cool, collected and wonderful Colin Firth and Mark Strong, stars the kooky Samuel L. Jackson as the perfect villain, and gives us cutie newcomer Taron Egerton, who shows real potential. I talked about it with the ScreenPicks.com gang below…

Movies, Podcast, Reviews

How to Podcast: “Jupiter Ascending” vs. “Seventh Son”

jupiter

Not a particularly stellar week for movies, I have to say. Although there is some exquisite visual eye candy in “Jupiter Ascending,” it is also truly embarrassing for everyone involved. “Seventh Son” also has its moments, specifically involving Julianne Moore as a witch with relationship issues, but Jeff Bridges’ over-the-top and distracting performance nearly ruins the whole thing.

I break it down with fellow movie cohorts Phil Wallace, Adam Spunberg and Scott Youngbauer in our weekly ScreenPicks.com podcast… listen in!

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Movies, Reviews

How to Watch: “Project Almanac”

project-almanac

Step 1: Suspend your disbelief… at least if you want to make it through “Project Almanac.” While it’s true many movies ask us to look past any inaccuracies, it’s particularly true for time-travel movies that also incorporate the found-footage theme.

Step 2: Realize “Project Almanac” isn’t rocket science… oh wait, maybe it is a little. The story centers on a group of nerdy teenagers who find plans to build a time machine, figure it out, put it to good use and film every single second of it. Like typical teenagers, their wish list in time traveling include acing school exams, exacting revenge on mean girls, winning the lottery, attending Lollapalooza, and getting the girl of your dreams. They also eventually realize that sneaky problem about time travel: If you change events in any way in the past, it could have long-lasting and dangerous consequences in the present day.

Step 3: Don’t look for any standout performances. The standard practice with these documentary-style films is to cast relative unknowns. “Chronicle” lucked out with the creepy Dane DeHaan, and “Project X” had cutie Thomas Mann and hilarious Oliver Cooper, but the kids in “Almanac” aren’t going to be offered huge roles after this film. Jonny Weston plays the almost-too-good-looking-to-be-a-nerd David, the leader of the pack who is desperate to attend MIT and secretly loves the school’s hot chick, played blandly by Sofia Black-D’Elia. David’s best friends are equally geeky, but, as portrayed by Sam Lerner and Allen Evangelista, don’t provide any kind of real comic relief. The last member of the group is David’s sister, Kathy, whose sole purpose is being the cameraperson.

Step 4: Ask yourself: Is the found-footage technique clever and inventive… or has it just become annoying? After the huge success of “The Blair Witch Project,” the idea of telling a story through the lens of a camera held by one or more of the characters became the new it thing to do. Some of these movies have worked really well, primarily in the horror genre, such as “Paranormal Activity” and “[Rec].” As mentioned before, “Chronicle” and “Project X” are also great examples, but like anything, Hollywood has used it to excess. Unfortunately for “Almanac,” the jerky camerawork doesn’t serve the story as well, and the explanations for why there’s a camera around at all times (“Gee Kathy, do you have to film everything?”) seem unrealistic. But then again, I did say you have to suspend disbelief.

Step 5: If you decide to stick it out, just relax and have fun with “Project Almanac.” There are enough thrilling moments and teenage angst to make it watchable.