How to Watch: “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”

Step 1: In this second Transformers, prepare for bigger metal crunchers, louder explosion – and more of Megan Fox’s glossy lips.

Step 2: Also brace yourself for an even lamer plot, more unnecessarily drawn-out action sequences – and director Michael Bay’s enormous ego.

Step 3: Don’t sweat the details. A movie like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has little use for character development or a compelling story. To be brief, it seems the Transformers have had a long standing history with humans, going way back to ancient Egypt. Something about trying to destroy Earth, a battle between the good and bad ‘bots and some ancient artifact being hidden away – until now. The big, bad Decepticons are still being lead by Megatron, who rises up from the sea with the same mission to turn Earth into their own private Idaho. The Autobots – lead by Optimus Prime – are still the honorable Transformers, working with the military to stop the Decepticons and protect mankind. And of course, Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is still the lone human who holds the key to it all – now in college and long-distance dating the lovely Mikaela (Fox).

Step 4: Pity the humans in this part II. In fact, it’s a wonder any of them survive judging by the beat down the machines give them. As Sam, LaBeouf brings the same manic energy he did in the first Transformers, but even more so by the fact he’s got all this ancient Transformers data running through his head he has to get out. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson return as the special ops dudes who are now BF’s with Optimus Prime, as does John Turturro, the now-defunct Agent Simmons, who gets a second chance at proving his worth. Kevin Dunn and Julie White as Sam’s parents get to banter again, particularly White, who does a hilarious stoned scene. The Wire‘s Ramon Rodriguez joins the cast as Sam’s wisecracking, tech-head college roommate, who inadvertently gets involved in the madness.  And then there’s Fox, who gets to look juicy and tousled throughout the whole movie, regardless of how much running she has to do through the desert. I think Bay loved her face about as much as he did his robots.

Step 5: Speaking of … Add more robots and stir. There’s about 40 new kinds of Transformers in this sequel, including a femme fa-bot-ale, a panther-like Decepticon and two jive-talkin’ twin Autobots named Skids and Mudflap, the “comic relief” of the robots. They most certainly can be construed as offensive racial stereotypes (read this AP story about it), but refer to Step 2: Worthwhile character development and convincing dialogue are NOT required – not in a Michael Bay popcorn blockbuster, anyway.

Step 6: Now let’s move on to the REAL reason Bay wants us here: to watch stuff get blown up. Things are indeed bigger and louder but not necessarily better in Revenge of the Fallen. The action sequences keep the momentum going, with Bay’s patented 360 degree camera movements and slow-mo shots. But Bay has no idea when enough is enough. For example, as in the original, the sequel’s final action sequence in the Giza desert goes on and on and on, with Sam and Mikaela running and running and dodging and running for what seems like forever. Frankly, I needed a drink of water about halfway through it. Afterward, my action-lovin’ 10-year-old daughter asked how they were going to repair all that damage they did to the pyramids and buildings. Well, at least it seemed real to her.

Level of difficulty in watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: Moderately painless. Knowing its a Michael Bay production, you pretty much know what to expect.