Step 1: Don’t be afraid. Horror movies about creepy kids can be frightening – just not in Orphan.
Step 2: And don’t let an eerie orphaned child – who seems like a perfect little girl but who is secretly harboring some serious anger issues – into your home. It’s basic horror 101. Has John and Kate Coleman (Peter Sarsgaard and Vera Farmiga) ever watched The Bad Seed, for heaven’s sakes? It would have helped them in making their decision to adopt Esther (Isabelle Furhman), a 9-year-old Russian girl, who loves to wear old-fashioned dresses and ribbons around her neck. Everything’s hunky dory for about five minutes, until the cracks begin to show, and Esther starts terrorizing the Coleman’s other children and driving recovering alcoholic Kate back to the drink, all while making goo-goo eyes at John. I mean, I would love to tell you the twist to Orphan, on why Esther is what she is, because it makes it all that more ridiculous – but I wouldn’t want to spoil it.
Step 3: Seriously, watch the 1956 The Bad Seed to see how this kind of story is done correctly. It’s an older movie, yes, but one of the best movies about a evil sociopathic kid. That, and The Omen. At least young Furhman does her best, evil looks, screaming fits and all.
Step 4: If you must see Orphan, concentrate more on the adults. Sarsgaard and Farmiga make a convincing couple dealing with some pretty f’ed up issues in their marriage, including the stillborn death of their third child (and the impetus to adopt another one), said alcoholism and past infidelities. If maybe the movie simply focused on their family, working through their tragedies and wrestling with the idea of adopting another child, it would have been better. But of course that would be an indie drama instead of a mediocre horror flick with the tagline “There’s something wrong with Esther.”
Level of difficulty in watching Orphan: Moderate. There’s a few redeeming qualities but overall, this cliched thriller unjustly gives adoption a bad name.